A Better Next Read online

  She would do almost anything to keep her own family together, but she wouldn’t allow Dan to put the merger at risk because of her.

  Her phone rang. “Jess, it’s Amy. I have Dick Morrison for Dan. Is he there?”

  Jess didn’t flinch. “No, Amy, he’s already in the meeting. Tell Dick to disregard the call.”

  Chapter 15

  As soon as Jess decided not to play Dick’s game, she felt lighter, as if she could float through any situation anyone could throw at her. She would wind down her work and delegate it to her colleagues over time, making sure they could use her as a resource as needed. No big drama. To prepare them for the transition, Dan simply announced, “As Jess has done a tremendous job of building the architecture that we needed to have in place to assure that human resources issues were addressed in the best business interests of our clients, and has built an excellent team capable of executing on that plan, she will now move on to a new assignment that needs her executive leadership.” If there were questions, she didn’t get any, and she didn’t ask Dan what he’d had to field.

  Once her path had been cleared, Jess decided to work on her marriage slowly. She hoped things with Arthur would normalize if she relaxed and waited. If not, at least they had a definitive timeline to work with. Arthur was committed to his faculty position until the merger date. He could close her out for only so long. In the meantime, she committed to fully enjoying Tom’s senior-year family activities.

  Tom’s baseball team was in the school conference playoffs that spring, and Jess found welcome distraction in cheering them on at their games. On prom night, all the parents gathered at the school to take pictures of their beautiful children looking grown-up and glowing. When Tom realized his father would be out of town for the dance, he volunteered Jess’s services as a chaperone.

  They all gathered for Tom’s graduation. Arthur might still have been avoiding Jess, but she knew he loved having both children home. Beth had just returned from Stanford for the summer. Tom was in his element, enjoying all the attention. Diane made him a scrapbook of all the artwork he had sent to her on her birthdays. She told him he couldn’t keep it, since it was too dear to her, but that she wanted him to savor it for the summer.

  Diane was nervous about introducing George to Jess and her family, but she shouldn’t have been. He was a hit with the kids, who immediately responded to his humor and obvious affection for their mother’s dear friend. It helped that George and Tom found a common language in their love of baseball.

  Several people from Arthur’s lab and from Jess’s office came to celebrate as well. The weather was St. Louis May beautiful, the food and drinks were delectable, and several people made a point of seeking out Jess to tell her what a beautiful family she had. Pictures of the day recorded two joyful children, a proud and happy mother, and a distracted but affectionate father.

  Dan pulled her aside and gave her a warm hug. “This is what it’s all about, right? I’m so happy for you, and so happy to see you all looking, looking . . .” He seemed to be searching for the right word. “Looking so intact!”

  Before she could respond that “intact” might be too certain a choice, Arthur came by with Joan, his research assistant. “Dan, could you spare a minute to help us understand something about the faculty’s legal obligations to the hospital as far as surgical pathology revenue goes?”

  “This sounds like merger talk, so I’m out of here.” Jess raised her eyebrows to exaggerate her point and squeezed Dan’s elbow as she left. “I’ll leave you to it. But do remember that this is a party, not a business meeting!” She turned toward the entry just as Claire arrived and immediately grabbed Tom.

  “Tom, you’re way too much fun to leave for college. Can’t you stay here with us?” Claire hugged him more tightly than anyone else would have dared to, Jess noted out of the corner of her eye. Finally releasing him, she turned toward Jess and said, “What’re we going to do without him around?”

  When Diane and George joined them, the group laughed and watched the blushing Tom scurry off to find his friends. As he walked away, Jess noticed uncharacteristic tears streaking down Claire’s cheeks. When George excused himself to get drinks for the women, Jess declared, “Claire, we’ll all miss him, but it’s the way things go. How does that saying go? Raise them with wings to fly away from you?”

  That didn’t seem to stop the tears, so Jess whispered to Claire, “Hey, are you OK?” Diane leaned in to hear the response, as Claire straightened her posture, smiled bravely, and wiped at her eyes.

  “Sorry. I don’t usually get this emotional. Of course I’m fine, but are you two free for a bit tomorrow morning? Maybe coffee at my place? I think I need some advice.”

  After agreeing to Claire’s request, Jess moved on to take care of her other party guests. When she joined Beth and her friends in the backyard, Beth said, “Mom, guess what Jen is doing this summer? Jen, tell her,” Beth urged her friend.

  “Well, my parents haven’t exactly agreed to it yet.” Jen looked around to see who might be lurking as she shared her news. “But I’ll be working wardrobe for a small off-Broadway theater!”

  Jess noticed that the quartet of twenty-year-olds didn’t squeal, as they might have a few years earlier, but seemed to be going for a certain detachment. Until Jen added, “And I get to share a flat with some actors in the play!” That brought the squeals. As they all talked over one another, offering to come visit her in New York City, Jess asked if her parents knew about the living arrangements.

  “Not exactly, Mrs. Steele—oops, I mean Ms. Lawson.” Jen pulled Jess aside. “Actually, they don’t know I’m even thinking about it. Would you please not—”

  “Jen, of course. I wouldn’t dream of upstaging you. This is your conversation to have with them. Good luck!” She gave Jen a quick wink and moved on. Beth followed.

  “Mom—I mean, Mrs. Steele.” Beth giggled. “Seems so ‘high school’ to hear my friends call you that.” She looked up at Jess with a pleading expression. “So, if she does go to New York City, do you think Dad can free up some miles for a trip for me?”

  Just then, Arthur moved in on them. “Did I hear my name mentioned?” He put his arm around his daughter and surveyed the party. “Are you having a good time, baby? What were you going to ask Dad about?”

  Jess laughed lightly and left them to their discussion. “Go for it, Beth. You’re on your own with this one.” Not to worry. Jen’s parents would never agree to this summer plan. Once she had checked on the beverage supply, she glanced back to the patio and saw that Beth was back hanging with her friends and Arthur was nowhere to be seen.

  Later, putting the fine crystal away, Jess wondered what was going on with Claire. Jess had been so preoccupied with her own issues that she hadn’t been as attuned to her friend recently. Claire conquered most professional challenges, but maybe something was going on with the new project she had started. She recalled some problem with Claire’s newly hired project director. Was that it?

  The next morning, Diane and Jess arrived simultaneously, in their running gear, having decided it was too nice a Saturday, and Claire’s house in the Soulard neighborhood too enticing, not to take advantage of a jog after their coffee. As they walked up to the house, Diane said, “So, do you know what’s up? I’ve never seen her so shaky. Any idea?”

  Jess shook her head. “I don’t have a clue, but I hope it’s not because I’ve been so self-involved in the midst of all my merger drama.”

  They went around to the porch entrance to find Claire, curly black hair in a loose chignon, ensconced on her wicker sofa, with coffee and fruit set out on a tray. “Thank you both for coming. I feel so foolish for making a scene yesterday. How embarrassing.” Jess noticed that Claire’s face was drawn and tight around the eyes, and that she didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands, which were flitting around almost beyond her control as she served coffee.

  “Not to worry. Tom loved the attention and asked if you were up for a tennis g
ame with him soon. I think he’s a bit nostalgic about leaving us. It’s an emotional time, for sure.” Jess sat, took a sip of her coffee, and said, “Ah, this porch—so peaceful and homey,” in light and high tones, to see if she could comfort her friend.

  Diane caught Jess’s eye and, seeming to confirm her intuition, decided on small talk until Claire was ready to share. “It was a lovely party, Jess. George was totally taken in by your and Tom’s hospitality. He said he didn’t get to talk to Arthur much . . .”

  Claire hugged herself and looked from Diane to Jess and back again. “OK, OK, I’m ready. And I’m so confused about what I’m about to tell you. I feel so dumb . . .”

  “Well, we all know you’re not dumb, so just let it out. I’m sure it’s not so bad. We’ll be here for you whatever it is.” Jess looked at Diane for confirmation, and then both leaned in to coax Claire into unburdening herself.

  Claire closed her eyes and spoke in a whisper. “I’m pregnant!” As she opened her eyes, Jess tried not to stare at her with her mouth hanging open, but she couldn’t help it. Finally, she said, “What?” and Diane said, “How?”

  Claire’s body remained so rigid that Jess moved to join her on the couch and touched her arm. “Claire? How are you feeling about this? Are you sure?”

  The human touch seemed to start the tears, as Claire finally softened her posture and exhaled deeply. The words rushed out. “Confused is how I feel, and totally silly that it happened at all without trying for it. And now that it’s happened, I don’t know if I want to undo it.” She stopped to catch a breath. “Those pregnancy tests are pretty good, and eight of them say I’m pregnant. Not one of them said negative.” She stopped again to grab a tissue and blow her nose.

  “You tried eight pregnancy tests?” Diane inquired softly, stifling a giggle that turned into a belly laugh as both Jess and Claire finally relaxed into the joke.

  The tension broken, Diane continued the humor by adding, “I bet you went to eight different pharmacies and not one in your own neighborhood, right?”

  “How did you know?” Claire said, looking up and smiling coyly.

  “We know you, my friend.” Diane got up to hug her too, and then she and Jess returned to their original seats to give Claire space to explain.

  “At first I thought it was just the beginning of changes for me. I’m forty-three, and I know that’s not very young. But then I started feeling nauseous in the mornings, and picky about food, which is really not me. Then I remembered a lovely fling I had with this visiting Belgian who was here on business . . .” Claire looked up to check her two friends’ reaction.

  Both Jess and Diane knew that Claire had a colorful dating history but never let a relationship get too serious. She had been in love once, but it had ended badly, so she didn’t focus on that part of her life anymore.

  “Go on. What will happen if a doctor, not just eight pregnancy tests, confirms this news?” Jess smiled encouragingly.

  “Well, that’s why I was so emotional yesterday with Tom. I never dreamed of a family. But now that the possibility is here, I’m thrilled and petrified at the same time. I have lists of pros and cons, and the cons are rational and the pros are emotional. And I never make decisions based on emotion.” She stopped, tears threatening again, and searched her friends’ faces.

  There wouldn’t be any happy grandparents to visit this child. Claire’s mother had died years earlier. Claire felt certain that the lingering effects of having lost her only son, Peter, to suicide, were what had ruined her mother’s health. Once that event had torn through the family, nothing had seemed to work anymore. Her father was now in a memory care unit out east and wasn’t even aware that he had a daughter. She had needed to raise herself after her brother’s death, and she had done it well. The strength of character needed to do so was a bond that Claire and Jess had identified early on in each other and that had become a source of their shared loyalty. There was a cost for each of them, of course: Claire’s independence was a wall against the danger of intimacy, and Jess’s pursuit of the illusion of perfection was her weapon of choice to protect her family.

  While Jess struggled to intuit Claire’s true desires, Diane seemed to have no such qualms. “This is a gift. Accept it. You are fully capable of raising a child with or without a father, although you may have some complications there.” Diane looked off in the distance for a moment, then said, “Claire, are you going to let the father know? And what if he wants to play a role in raising the child?”

  Claire looked down at her hands. “It’s hard to admit that I don’t know enough about him to know how he’ll react, but yes, I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t let him know. Then I’ll just have to let it play out.”

  “I think that’s the right way to go, Claire. I’ll help you any way I can.” Diane reached out to squeeze her friend’s hand and then stood up and danced a little jig. “We’re going to have a baby! This is so exciting!”

  Claire giggled with relief at Diane’s antics but then calmly looked back to Jess and waited. “Jess?”

  “You know me. I’m still on the pros and cons.” She spoke slowly and clearly, awaiting Claire’s response. “I have no doubt about your abilities, and you have, I’m sure, a good understanding of the unforgiving culture for single mothers in the workplace, even in the corner offices. But if anyone can fight through that hypocrisy with style, it’s you.” Jess smiled. “Motherhood is wonderful and challenging, and you never know how you’re going to get through each stage.” She paused and took a breath. “And then they grow up and go off to college!” She laughed, and Claire joined in.

  “Seriously, it’s a big responsibility to take on alone.” Jess grew solemn again. “But you, my dear, will not be alone!”

  With that, they all spent their remaining nerves on barely controlled giggles. Finally, all the tension left the porch and they were able to relax in the sweet reverie of their friendship.

  Chapter 16

  Some days, Jess swore she could feel the house vibrate with the buzz of youthful energy: both kids busy with their summer jobs and their friends hanging out at their house at all hours; the sound of laughter everywhere—she wanted to bottle it.

  Even Arthur seemed to relax a bit. He took a rare day off to play a round of golf. “It’s only nine holes. I’ll just go in after lunch, instead of at the crack of dawn.”

  “I love it.” She smiled warmly and approached him to give him a hug. “You should do it more often. It’s good for you.” He still wasn’t reciprocating her attempts to show affection, but she hoped if she kept at it, he would thaw.

  “Remember, I’ll be out late tonight and won’t be around for dinner.” He brushed her off and moved on to get his clubs from the garage.

  “Yup, I remember. I’m running with Diane late this afternoon, and then the kids and I are meeting up with her here for takeout.” Diane loved Jess’s children and seemed as aware as Jess was that this summer was the last of its kind, that the inevitable empty nest was upon them. Tom and Beth loved Diane too, and were as enthusiastic as Jess was to spend as much time together as possible.

  Jess had just enough time to get home, change for running, and start a load of laundry before Diane arrived. “I’m here, and the door’s open,” she sang as she walked in.

  “Hey, girlfriend. Nice to see you.” Jess grabbed her for a hug. Then Diane handed her a small piece of paper, all folded up, and said, “I just found this on your floor.”

  “Oh, it must have fallen out of someone’s pocket. Thanks.” She took the paper from Diane and put it on the entry table. “One of the usual suspects will claim it if it’s important. Ready to run?”

  “Ready.”

  They headed out, and as they neared the parkway, Jess tried to pry open a door into Diane’s new relationship: “So, tell me again how long it’s been since you and George started going out.”

  “You know perfectly well how long it’s been. You’re beginning to sound like my mother, not my bes
t friend,” Diane laughed.

  “OK, OK. I’ll let you off the hook, as long as you tell me all the good stuff.” Jess laughed. “I just like to get a glimpse of romance now and then. You’re as bad as my kids; they don’t want to tell me anything interesting.”

  They both laughed at that, but then Diane asked, “So, how are things going with Arthur? Less stressful now that you aren’t working on the merger?”

  “Fine, but our progress is slower than I thought it would be. I could just kick myself for putting my marriage at risk because of a professional move. I think he sees it as a real breach of trust, and I don’t know how long it’ll take to undo the damage.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Diane said. “As I remember it, you didn’t make this decision without him. He thought it was a good thing to involve someone like you, someone who understands the intersection between research and medical care, since he didn’t think much of the others. Don’t let him blame you for his discomfort. It goes with the territory of such a huge change. He’s a grown-up; he should be able to figure this out. You can’t protect him from the big, bad world any more than you can protect Tom or Beth. Mainly, I worry that you’re not protecting yourself as much as you should.”

  Diane slowed her pace and put her arm out to slow her friend down to a walk. “Jessica, this is your marriage, not your parents’. You are not a guilty party here.”

  She held Jess’s arm until Jess turned to her and nodded, tears close to the surface. Jess hugged Diane and took a few moments to regroup before they continued their run. She had heard this from Diane before and appreciated the concern. But Diane couldn’t grasp how far Jess would go to keep her family intact. Diane had the core strength of the daughter of two parents who loved her and each other well. They taught her right from wrong and always made her feel secure. They challenged her to get out in the world and do her best but comforted her anytime she fell down. Diane’s parents were not the drama in her life; they were the backdrop. She was whole. Jess understood that Diane took all that for granted.